monologue

~christmas~

2006-12-24T13:06:00.000+08:00

hey people. a few more hours to go and it's christmas already! i used to be excited and really happy during christmas. i used to love hearing christmas songs and singing christmas carols. whatever happened? i can no longer feel the spirit of the season. it just feels like another holiday, completely devoid of meaning and sense. it's sad to think that people no longer appreciate christmas for what it is. and it's sad to think that children nowadays no longer feel the excitement that the season is supposed to bring. i can hear children singing christmas carols every night and they lack the spirit. i can't feel anything from them...no happiness and it's so monotonous. whatever happened? children grow up too fast, people rush things...they lack the capacity to live for the moment. i believe that christmas is more than just a ritual, more than just a holiday. it's supposed to be a time for the family...a time to be happy and free. people just can't seem to stop all the unimportant things that they are doing and just experience christmas. this is a sad reality.

~little house~

2006-12-20T15:28:00.000+08:00

Little House

The Fray

She doesn't look, she doesn't see

Opens up for nobody

Figures out, she figures out

Narrow line, she can't decide

Everything short of suicide

Never hurts, nearly works

Something is scratching its way out

Something you want to forget about

A part of you that'll never show

You're the only one that'll ever know

Take it back when it all began

Take your time, would you understand

What it's all about

Something is scratching its way out

Something you want to forget about

No one expects you to get up

All on your own with no one around

i'd say that 'something' is the real self and it's trying to get past all the masks. well, good luck then. i hope she finds her freedom.

~forget~

2006-11-25T20:11:00.000+08:00

why is it so hard to forget? to just forget the memories that torment you every single day. to forget the people that hurt you and killed you without knowing it. it's been eons and i should have let go and moved on. but i'm still stuck here holding on to something that never even existed in the first place. it would have been a lot easier if i just didn't meet you. i shouldn't have opened up and let you in...i should've just ran away. but it's too late for 'what ifs' now is it? i've already fallen. i already died. i stood up and walked away but i carried the pain with me. it just wouldn't leave. it's still killing me. remember silverchair's song? '...and i love the pain. a breeding ground for hate.' but i can't hate you, can i? it's not your fault, it's mine alone. i was too fucking scared to say anything at all. i fell and walked away and let you live your life. while i wallow alone in misery. i loved you. i love you still. i just hope i had the courage to say it.

~update~

2006-11-25T19:05:00.000+08:00

wow. it's been eons since i last posted an entry here. hay. so where do i start? well, i'm finally back to school after five months or so of bumming around. and i'm glad that i finally have something to do to take my mind of other unimportant things that have been bothering me. i'm currently enrolled in dlsu. because i can't live without merks (yikee!). mwahahaha. anyway, new school means new people and i did meet some new friends...actually more of acquaintances. i seem to find it a lot harder to open up to people recently. i don't know, it's just that i can feel a huge gap between me and other people. or maybe i'm just too paranoid. i'd rather pretend to be someone i'm not than take off this facade and humiliate myself. pessimistic. too fucking pessimistic. and it's unfair to other people. it's just who i am.

anyway. what do i actually like about dlsu right now? my philo class. yep. that's about it, i think. i just love my prof. ms velasco. one of the best if not THE best prof that anyone can ever encounter. she made a very huge impact on my life, my beliefs, my truths. but don't get me wrong. she did not influence me or anything. she just made me realize a lot of things. like, i've been directing all my hatred towards an entity who may not even exist at all. and even if that entity did exist, directing my hatred towards it is such a waste of time. hatred is very toxic. it kills. anyway. i've been thinking about converting to zen buddhism. hay. that is when i finally get the courage to actually live my life. it's just so pathetic. i still haven't live at all.

by the way. i was with merkshack last saturday. although marge, marou and nene were not able to come :(. we were at metrowalk, camwhoring all night. hay. i love you guys. you never failed to make me happy even for just a while. i love the memories. i miss you a lot. you're my security blanket. i just feel so fucking alienated right now. like i don't belong anywhere at all. i want to see you again. :)

~heaven~

2006-08-23T11:19:00.000+08:00

CLAUDIA

"Why have you called me Louis? Why have you roused me from my wandering sleep for your own consolation? Why wasn't memory enough?"

"I come demanding why you've called me, Louis; what is it you would have me give you now? In life did I not give you all my love?"

LOUIS

"Claudia, where is your spirit? Is it at rest or does it wander? Would you have me come to you? Claudia, I'm ready to do it. Claudia I'm ready to be at your side."

CLAUDIA

"You? Come to me? You, after all those many years of evil tutelage, you think that I in death would be united with you? I loathe you evil Father."

"Father understand me, I never could find words to tell you truths when I was living. In this measureless place I have no use for such curses. What is it to tme, the love you lavished on me once in a vibrant and feverish world?"

"You want vows from me. And from the coldest heart imaginable I condemn you - condemn you that you took my life - condemn you that you had no charity for the mortal I once was, condemn you that you saw in me only what filled your eyes and insatiable veins...condemn you that you brought me over into the lively Hell which you and Lestat so richly shared."

"Take your life, yes, give it up in memory of me, yes, I would have you do it, i would have you give over to me your last breath. Do it with pain for me, Louis, do it with pain that I may see your spirit through the whirlwind, struggling to free itself from your tormented flesh."

"Oh, how it will warm my soul to see you suffer, oh, how it will speed me on my endless wanderings. Never would I linger to be with you here. Never would I wish for it. Never would I seek you out in the abyss."

"Such pride, that you would call me out of your habitual misery. Such pride that you would bring me here to answer your common prayers. How immense is your self-pity, that you don't fear me, when I - had I the power - would take your life with my own hands."

"Die for me my doting one, I think I shall like it. I shall like it as much as I liked the sufferings of Lestat, which I can scarce remember. I think, yes, that I might know pleasure once again, briefly, in your pain. Now,if you are done with me, done with my toys and your memories, release me that I may return to forgetfuness. I cannot recall the terms of my perdition. I fear I understand eternity. Let me go."

LOUIS
"Forgive me."

CLAUDIA

"Did you think I wasn't suffering, Father? Did you think that death had freed me from all my pain? That's what you thought, wasn't it, Father, and if you called my ghost, you'd take away some precious consolation from my very lips. You believed that God would give you that, didn't you? It seemed very right for you after all your penitential years."

LOUIS
"The gates can't be locked to you, Claudia. That would be too monstrous a cruelty-"

CLAUDIA

"To whom, Father? Too monstrous a cruelty to you? I suffer, Father, I suffer and I wander; I know nothing, and all I once knew seems illusory! I have nothing, Father. My senses are not even a memory. I have nothing here at all."

"Did you think I'd tell you nursery stories about Lestat's angels? Did you think I'd paint a picture of the glassy heavens with palaces and mansions? Did you think I'd sing to you some song learnt from the Morning Stars? No, Father, you will not draw such ethereal comfort from me."

"And when you come following me I shall be lost again, Father. How can I promise I shall be there to witness your cries or tears?"

"Come, Louis, come into this dreary place with me, and leave behind your comforts - leave behind your wealth, your dreams, your blood-soaked pleasures. Leave behind your ever hungry eyes. Leave it all, my beloved, leave it for this dim and insubstantial realm."

LOUIS
"Claudia, please, I beg you..."

CLAUDIA

"Come to me, Father. Come to me. Come, do it with deep pain, as your offering. You'll never find me, Come."

--excerpt from MERRICK by Anne Rice--

So what do you think of Claudia?

~life~

2006-08-21T15:23:00.000+08:00

follow a healthy diet
exercise regularly
avoid alcoholic beverages
avoid smoking cigarettes... the list goes on...

and what do you get for following all of these? a senior citizen's card, 20% discount. haha. no thanks. i'm not planning to live that long anyway. i mean. hello?! has anyone ever thought of this: what's the point in prolonging a life that you don't even enjoy?

you follow all these strict rules just so you don't get sick. and why wouldn't you want to get sick? because you want to live longer. people used to believe that this is the definition of "living life to the fullest", but it's not. it's more about living each day as if it is your last. so tell me, who would want to do push ups on the last day of their life? haha. now you see the point.

if eating makes you happy then by all means, INDULGE. if sleeping makes you happy then by all means, INDULGE. what are you scared of? never mind what others will say. you're just living life to the fullest.

we are only on this planet for a brief visit. why waste time trying to prolong your stay instead of enjoying every minute of it?

~hello~

2006-03-19T13:27:00.000+08:00

i've just finished reading my entire blog and i did realize two things. first is that i've changed... a LOT. second is that my entries appear to be contradictions of each other, it's like having multiple identities.

anyhow. about the change i've went through... well i'm not sure if it's for the better or for the worst. but i have a guess that it's for the worse. i lost a lot of things. my diversity. my passion. i feel like my life's a mess right now. and i feel like it's as dull as a cloudy sky. boo. i miss a lot of things. the soul-level conversations with the people i adore. the simple things that makes life exciting. the people i get to meet at concerts. the presence of the chosen people who are capable of really understanding me.

about the contradictions... i am aware that i am a walking contradiction. but the entries just appear to be too ridiculous and WEIRD. hahaha. hay. i miss my blog. i haven't written anything for a long time. i lost interest. but i'm about to get it back. :)

~my muse, my star~

2005-10-13T17:47:00.000+08:00

"let go", they say, "the stars will never fall for you". yet there is something that makes me want to hold on. i can hear your voice. and in the vastness of the empty sky, yours is the only light that i see. i will hold on no matter how painful it is. i will hold on for all eternity until you fall from your sky. the night is shattered and my heart bleeds for you, my star. i will sing for you through melancholic voices. i will dance for you through blistered feet. what more could you ask for? what else is there? the world is dying... blurred images, muffled screams, whispered voices. only you and i are left. if i could keep you inside this dream, i would have slept forever.
love? is that what i feel for you? but love is just a word, and what i feel is far more than any word could ever mean. words are meaningless. words don't last long. they linger for a moment then fade away. what i feel for you is beyond infinity itself.
my beautiful star, it kills me to know that you will never be mine. but a thousand deaths is nothing for your beauty takes away all the pain. do not be afraid to show your scars, everything in you is beautiful.

~change~

2005-08-13T18:57:00.000+08:00

nothing seems to change, but everything is falling apart.

i feel like i haven't changed at all, except for the fact that my life is becoming more pointless at the passing of each day. without a reason for living, life is pointless. this is the reason why i am not living right now; the reason why i'm simply existing. call it pessimistic, but it is my reality. i am long dead and it is humanity that killed me. but i can't say that i don't care. because much as i wanted to detach myself from humanity, i simply can't.

there is something missing. and until i find out what that is, everything else will be blurry.

~latest realization~

2005-05-24T19:43:00.000+08:00

"all you'll be, you are today. don't search for freedom. just be free NOW. all you have to do is fucking wake up and BE free. it's hard but doable."

what we have to face is the fact that freedom involves a lot of risks. we can't just be free without sacrificing anything. we keep on telling ourselves that we are slaves but the truth is we belong to ourselves and we just hate to have to face up to it.

~tears~

2005-05-12T20:18:00.000+08:00

how much loneliness have you hid in your eyes so that you can smile?

YOUR PUPPET AND CLOWN

I wore what you wanted me to wear.

You painted my face. You colored my hair.

Hold me (let me get used to your arms so that I'll long for it when you're gone)

Lift me up. Then let go.

Watch me fall (and suffer)

Watch me need (and suffer)

Watch me bleed

And enjoy (enjoy)

Enjoy as you...

Step on my heart cuz you know I'd still smile

Strangle my neck cuz you know I'd still laugh

I had to dance to every song you had to sing.

Hoping that I'd get used to the sting.

Hold me (I'm the puppet tied to your strings, I'll be the clown hiding his tears)

Lift me up. Then let go.

Watch me fall (and suffer)

Watch me need (and suffer)
Watch me bleed

And enjoy (enjoy)

Enjoy as you...

Step on my heart cuz you know I'd still smile

Strangle my neck cuz you konow I'd still laugh

I thought you'd patch my holes but you even dug a deeper wound...

I'm your puppet

I'm your clown

FUCK HUMANITY!

~desire~

2005-04-24T18:56:00.000+08:00

Desire of the endless - It is unlikely that any portrait will ever do Desire justice, since to see her (or him) is to love him (or her) - passionately, painfully, to the exclusion of all else...Never a possession, always the possessor, with skin as pale as smoke, and eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine: Desire is everything you ever wanted. Whoever you are. Whatever you are. Everything.

So obviously Desire is a vainglorious person(?) or rather entity.

Here's an excerpt from "the ringmaster's daughter": i'm only in this planet for a brief visit. It's largely because of this that i've found it refreshing to talk to vain people...they are just as innocent as small children, and it is precisely this trust that i've caught myself envying. they live as if something can be achieved, as if something is up for grabs. but we are dust. so there's no point in making a fuss. or as mephistopheles says as faust dies: what matters our creative endless toil, when at a snatch oblivion ends the coil?

What a dreadful reality, don't you think?

~posers unite!~

2005-04-24T18:09:00.000+08:00

i used to promise myself one thing: that i would proclaim my diversity no matter how the mainstream lands on me. it wasn't that hard before, but as i meet new people it became more difficult to insert diversity in my lifestyle. i mean...it's hard to always go against the flow. it takes a great amount of risk and effort. then there's the thing about "labels". peeple label each other as if the very essence of their existence depended on it. i can be labeled depending on the type of music i listen to. i can be labeled depending on the clothes i wear. i can be labeled depending on my beliefs. what the hell is this suppose to mean? that each of us is required to belong to a certain group of people?! people are becoming too comfortable sleeping in the rabbit's fur. [for those who have read sophie's world, i hope you still remember] they always concern themselves with things that don't really mean anything. they continue to chase things that they don't really need. they continue to pressure themselves just so they can feel accepted.
another thing. there's this non-ending issue about posers. someone posted this in friendster and i would just like to share it to you:
poseur (po-zr) a person or rather an imbecile who dresses up, acts and thinks the way hes really not.[how the hell can you say that s/he is acting the way s/he is really not?!] Derived from the word, POSE. A person who acts different and dresses different and buy allsorts of so rad things just to IMPRESS other people. A poseur is a person who poses either as a prep, a punkster, an emo kid, a rocker, a gothwannabe, a jock, a skater or whatever it is he/she labels him/herself.[hey, what if it is the society who labeled him/her?!] What is the root of being a poseur? CONFORMITY. The need and desire to be in. So, emo is in and person dresses up in all-black get-up and slits its wrists pretending to be all drama and whining about the break-up of its loved-one and whining and crying of how the world is against him/her..but really in the reality, is that persons life really f*cked-up? Some dont really.[and you're point being?] They just feel that if they become emotional and angst-ridden, they feel that theyre so in and that they buy tons of black shirts, buy cds that so emo even tho they dont know whose the lead singer of the used [and if s/he is not really into the used? what's it to you?] is or they first thought something corporate is a company [hey, it does sound like a company] but still they but its album just for the sake of impressing others. You claim youre a rocker wannabe hot-sh*t and buy a rage against the machine t-shirt and may I ask you what songs of rage do you know? [what if s/he just wanted the shirt. for crying out loud! it's his/her right to buy what s/he wants!] Name me some. Dont reply with a Erm whats that song again? Gorilla Radio or something aw man I forgot Then youre an idiot. Why buy all those stuff when you really dont know what youre buying? You go wearing a skateboarding is not a crime shirt when really you dont even know how to handle the board. [hey, s/he is just stating that skateboarding is not a crime. s/he's not proclaiming that s/he knows how to use the damn board!] What really is youre intention? To impress people. Thats your intention flat-out. You think when you already have those chucks you think youre so punk rawk eh? Well, let me tell you, you dont. [even construction workers wear chucks. what's it to you? you jealous or what?] You just go with the flow because everyone is wearing chucks (w/c btw is so darn annoying)and then whoop-dee-doo you go to a converse store and buy a pair when really you dont like them chucks and you wanna have those skechers one. Why waste money on something you dont really want? Your intention, just to impress others.You label yourself and blabbers about bands and their songs when really you dont know anything about it.[let me repeat it. it's the society that labels people.] And the second you hear a band from a friend you storm in a record store and buy its album, just because you think its cool and its in.IMPRESSING people is what poseurs love to do.Telling them they know everything and anything there is, dressing up so punk rawk and sometimes all-black [just because i want to wear black, i'm already a poser?] and bands t-shirts. Be true to yourself,dont just go with the flow, dont try to impress others with buying them shirts, sneakers, albums,guitar, studs, pants. [what if buying these things can make me TRUE to myself?!] Yah we know youre rich.Haaahaha. I hope I informed you kiddos.[yep, you just did inform me that all of us are posers!] Avamosamigos.

~the voyager~

2005-04-24T18:05:00.000+08:00

the voyager by rassouli

Travel beyond this place
See the vast kingdom of the space
See what you have not seen
Go where you have not been
Now experience the one world
That world is not out there
It is in your heart, right here.

~poof!~

2005-04-11T18:23:00.000+08:00

i hate the world. i know all of us goes through this phase in life when you just feel like completely detaching yourself from the world. but for me...it seems to go on forever. i can't imagine myself to be "one" with the world. why? first of all, because they don't understand me. nobody really understood me. there are people who pretend that they do. there are people who admit that they don't. but in the end, it's just me who is capable of understanding myself. argh! nobody understands me and that's what kills me! second, because in my opinion the rest of the world are just clones of each other. they just imitate one another. they CONFORM. well, there are a few exceptions..but in general, if you are not like them then they will forever laugh at you and mock you. sheesh. you laugh because i'm different, i laugh because you're all the same. third, because i can't stand their shallowness. they keep on talking about the same things over and over again. i mean..there's more to life than your deteriorating lovelife! there's more to life than failing a test in phyiscs. no offense...maybe we just don't belong to the same wavelength. our life is already pointless as it is..why worry ourselves with more pointless things? fourth, because the world hates me as well. isn't it obvious? or am i just too pessimistic? well, whatever the case...i think the world hates me. admit it. why? i haven't done anything...just leave me alone.

~warning~

2005-04-02T16:34:00.000+08:00

but i being poor have only my dreams.

i have spread my dreams under your feet.

tread softly for you tread on my dreams...

~farewell~

2005-03-23T20:55:00.000+08:00

...you know you can save me, but why did you leave?...

~equilibrium~

2005-03-21T19:44:00.001+08:00

i just watched EQUILIBRIUM a while ago..it's a really nice movie. it's a science fiction where people use some sort of medicine to block off all emotions. why? according to the movie, a third world war broke and only chosen people survived. these people were led by a person whom they call FATHER. this father believed that the cause of war is hatred, jealousy and revenge. true enough...however, this father believed that these negative emotions cannot be taken away without eradiacting ALL our emotions. so he invented a medication called POZIUM [i'm not sure]. people inject this medicine to themselves at certain times to block off ALL their emotions. people are forbidden to own things that can evoke emotions..things such as paintings, musical records, books and the like. their world was so DULL...then, the protagonist [cleric john preston played by CHRISTIAN BALE!] met a sense offender [that's what they call people who collect things that are forbidden by law] named Mary. by the time he met Mary, he already stopped taking his dosage of pozium so in a way he can already feel. while he was questioning Mary as to why she was collecting those things, she replied: "Why are we alive?...We exist to continue our existence. What's the point?" ..how dreadfully true. i'm sixteen years old and i haven't figured out yet what my purpose in life is. how long could it possibly take me to figure it out then? i don't even know HOW i became alive. i mean, i don't where it all started..don't we all? we may have our own religions, our own beliefs, our own gods...but it's not enough. these beliefs are merely guides. something we can hold on to. it is just our response to being alive and having to die. perhaps we aren't suppose to know it all. perhaps we are here simply to experience life and NOT to explain it.

~who am i~

2005-03-11T20:32:00.000+08:00

i dedicate this song to MYSELF...

EVERYBODY'S FOOL

perfect by nature

icons of self indulgence

just what we all need

more lies about a world that

never was and never will be

have you no shame don't you see me

you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now

bow down and stare in wonder

oh how we love you

no flaws when you're pretending

but now i know she

never was and never will be

you don't know how you've betrayed me

and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the masks where will you hide

can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now

i know who you are

and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be

you're not real and you can't save me

somehow now you're everybody's fool

...well. not exactly to myself, but to the identity i've been using. to the mask i've been wearing. to my pretensions and lies.

~solitude~

2005-03-11T20:24:00.000+08:00

...fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars...

~random thoughts~

2005-03-10T20:56:00.000+08:00

highschool life is over. almost. just one week to go and it's all over. the late night cramming, the overnight research papers, the surprise quizzes...all gone. pft! it's over. and what follows next? FREEDOM. two months of freedom...then comes college. fuck. i don't have any college yet. haha. what a loser.

anyway. i don't want to think about it right now. i just wanted to thank everyone for putting up with my bad attitude. i'm sorry for being such a loser. i'm sorry fo being such a whiner. i'm sorry for being such a burden. thank you for the memories. thank you for the patience. thank you for the understanding. thank you for the acceptance.

emoness. what is wrong with me?! haaaaaaaaay. i'll miss you all. :)

let's change the topic: i think i'm getting over it..my imaginary love life that is. haha. i'm letting go. it's been a loooooooong time. :)

i like this line from the song you're a god: you're a god and i am not, and i just thought i'd let you go..

how true. i finally realized it..what are the chances? highly fucking unlikely. i'm not bitter..i swear. i think he's happy where he is. and i think i should start being happy too...haha. this is life. it can't always be my way. :) wow. a lesson well learned. it took me one fucking year to actually learn that...i think i've got a new motto. wake up and live [bob marley].

~boredom~

2005-03-03T20:19:00.000+08:00

masyado nang nawawalan ng saysay ang buhay ko. tsk. puro school work! school work! school work! i'm losing grip of my diversity! it's about time to gain it back...balik na naman ako sa mga MISadventures ngayong summer:

1. graveyard-hopping and church-hopping. i want to collect pictures of graveyards and churches. [wahoo! aphro, we WILL open our own exhibit...]

2. as much as possible, attend ALL music events. [aphro, namimiss na tayo nung mga TRAKERS!!]

3. ride the ferry boat and/or sailboat at manila bay just before sunset. awww. haha. masaya yun!

4. EK! EK! EK! space shuttle and anchor's away! wahoo! [huntingin natin ung clown! haha.]

5. road trip papuntang tagaytay. hay. kay saya. problema lang yung transpo. haha.

6. as much as possible, attend ALL gigs of spongecola, rivermaya and kjwan! [chuba, street team na 'to!! haha.]

7. makapasok ng sanctum. tsk. nakabaon ata sa ilalim ng lupa yun eh...ayos lang. hahanapin ko pa rin!! kahit na late nagbubukas. haha.

8. hintayin ULIT ung sunrise sa baywalk. pangako hindi ko na kayo tutulugan. haha.

9. inuman sessions sa antel! yey! roof deck!! hay. kay ganda ng view.

10. MOVIEHOUSE marathon. alam ko mahal...pero gusto ko pa rin ma-try.

11. videoke fest! non-stop singing!! ayaw ko na sa rob, ang pangit ng videoke dun...sa harrison na lang. haha.

12. makapasok muli sa planetarium. maganda sa loob nun! para kang nasa kalawakan. [aphro, ang tagal na nating plano nito...ituloy na natin!]

13. mag-explore ng mga bars sa malate, quezon at pasig...lalo na mayric's! [hay chuba, mapapakinabangan na natin ung mapa mo!]

14. eto cheesy pero gusto kong ma-try mag stargazing sa sunken garden ng up...mwahaha.

15. magmuni- muni sa baywalk...haha. mong, eto na ung mtv moments natin!

16. roundtrip ng lrt at mrt...baclaran to monumento. haha. tapos taft to north edsa. woohoo!

17. walkathon uli sa divisoria!! [nene, pasensya na nung dinamay kita at muntik pa tayong mawala. haha. umuulan pa man din noong panahong iyon.]

18. hay. walkathon naman sa quiapo! [nene, damayan mo uli ako! haha.]

19. manuod ng play. kahit anong play. basta gusto ko talagang manuod ng play.

20. matuto mag-gitara. hay. hanggang pangarap na lang ata ito eh...pero itatry ko pa rin. woohoo! eto na ang simula ng pagsikat ng merkshack plus the bouncer!

~requiem~

2005-02-27T18:21:00.000+08:00

i can never be more than your puppet and clown, can i? do you even see me, or are you too preoccupied of playing king in your self-built kingdom? why are you so distant?

i keep on hurting myself just to see if you care. i keep on killing myself just to get your attention. i love you and my love is beyond infinity itself.

we will forever be trapped in this deception circus. truth does not exist here. love cannot exist here. only bitterness and lies. only pain and hatred.

you raised me from the dead just so you can kill me again. i thought we shared the same pipe dream of freedom. you blinded me with the illusion that i'm not alone.

...haha. i know. i'm not making any sense at all. i just need to let it all out...

~jack in the box~

2005-02-23T20:01:00.000+08:00

JACK IN DA BOX

Greyhoundz

i have lived my life inside a box with big blocks of rocks as walls covered with thorns

I hurt all the time cuz i keep on hitting them

no matter what i do, no matter where i go

i bleed cuz like the seeds, they sow and grow my wounds' just like the trees

and i'm scared! cuz i'm gonna get scarred again

this ain't gonna end, cuz i haven't found the cure,

i haven't found the medicine its just a motherfucking cycle

as to a wheel of a bicycle

where pain is recycled to another situation

another inevitable frustration. and you know what?

i only win by losing

giving in screaming, giving in crying

so i stay in the middle away from the needles

still the box gets smaller and smaller

now i can hardly breathe

can someone save me before i close my eyes?

before i go to sleep?

i'm mr. jack.

i'm pretty fucked up cuz im locked and i'm trapped in this little box with little cells

with ferris- wheels, coaster rides and carousels

im puny, im weak, i'm a freak

but i appear to be strong cuz like you, i also have horns

but do i look like a demon?

yes, cuz i am

But i scare the other demons and even my own reflection

cuz what i see in the mirror is the terror of living in the pleasure of tolerated errors

but i can't do anything im just a demon

in a flock of so-called angels that are pretending to be clean

angels, angels go away! come again another day.

your little demon wants to play

sometimes i get to think that i don't belong here

coz i deserve better than my pain and my fear, denials and pretensions, lies and accusations

but nah, i'm wrong

cuz this is my home where i've always wanted to be where i am

God damn! you gotta pay the price if you want freedom

i'm mr. jack

i'm pretty fucked up cuz im locked and i'm trapped in this little box with little cells

with ferris- wheels, coaster rides and carousels

i'm living in a world where's it fair to be unfair but unfair to be fair

angels, angels go away!

come again another day

your little demon wants to play

~fuck you~

2005-02-21T20:33:00.000+08:00

wow. i thought i would never pass this realm again, yet here i am drowning in despair and emptiness. i have finally decided to let go of my so-called masks. i do not care anymore. squeeze me, crush me, break me. do what you've always done to me. it won't matter anymore. you can't hurt me now. i won't let you. fuck you. you've caused too much damage. you've caused too much pain...haha. what never fails to amaze me is what it is you see when i take off my masks? what is it that makes you laugh at me...or curse me? do i represent your imperfections? or maybe i reflect everything you hate about yourselves? well i'm sorry. i never thought it was a crime to be born. believe me i never wished for this life. and i want it to end as much as you do.

the best option i have found to stop the pain is to pretend that i am a deaf-mute. in that way, i won't hear your maddenning laughter and you won't hear my pathetic cries. i will detach myself from his world. ..ha! as if it will make any significant difference.

in the end, i wanted to thank you for digging my grave....i''m so fucked up and ready to die. do me a favor will you? shoot me in the head and paint the wall with my brains.

~breaking the habit~

2005-02-20T20:03:00.000+08:00

i just realized that my recent posts seem to revolve around the same topics: rejection and falling OUT of love. what the hell?! mwahaha. what is wrong with me? i don't know either..maybe it's the "psychological" effect of talking to people who are in love [such as chuva]. mwahaha. it's such a CHEESY topic to focus on...so i'm breaking the habit of pondering and writing about those things.. give me something to focus on. give me something to think about.

oh, by the way...during our physics discussion last friday our teacher talked about black holes. [wow. for the first time i listened during or physics class...but believe me, i did not understand a single thing.] anyway. i became interested in black holes..and i started asking these questions to my seatmate [merly]: if black holes are sucking literally everything that crosses it's path, then is there a possiblity that at some point in time it will explode? i mean, it can't go on sucking everything forever, right? or maybe, there is a possibility that as it is sucking energy, it is also expanding? and if that is the case, then there will come a point in time that it will be as large as the milky way and might end up sucking us all? mwahaha...as soon as i got home, i researched about black holes and i proved that none of my "theories" were actually close to the truth. it was said in a certain website that black holes soon evaporate, though i still can't understand why. and i have no intention of researching about it. haha.

there. that's a VERY different topic...i found a new goal: i wanted to enter a black hole before i die.

~shiver~

2005-02-20T19:54:00.000+08:00

i first heard this song in rivermaya's live and acoustics featuring slapshock album so i thought it was either rivermaya's or slapshock's song...but when i searched for the lyrics i discovered that it was originally sung by coldplay. haha. i am aware that rico blanco idolizes coldplay and his version of the song isn't bad at all [i know i'm biased because i like rico blanco...mwahaha!] anyway. whichever version you prefer, the song is still beautiful.

Shiver

So I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention, do you.

I know you don't listen to me 'cause you say you see straight through me, do you.

On and on from the moment I wake.

To the moment I sleep, I'll be there by your side.

Just you try and stop me, I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care.

Did you want me to change? Well I'll change for good.

And I want you to know. That you'll always get your way.

I wanted to say, Don't you Shiver? Shiver, Shiver

I'll always be waiting for you.

So you know how much I need you, but you never even see me, do you?

And this is my final chance of getting you.

On and on from the moment I wake....

Did you want me to change?...

Sing it loud and clear.

I'll always be waiting for you. (x3)

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

And it's you I see, but you don't see me.

And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.

I sing it loud and clear.

And I'll always be waiting for you.

So I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention,

And you know how much I need you, but you never even see me.

~hades~

2005-02-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

we cannot be together alive...

...we can be together in the underworld

cold, and pale, and immobile, but TOGETHER..

we will whisper in the shallow voices of the dead...

...together, we will wait in darkness

this is how much i need you. i am willing to spend eternity in hell just to be with you...now that you know it, why can't you even see me? i am dead but i still feel the pain... you wanted to die as well? you wanted to go to the sunless lands? say the word and i will follow you...

~think of me~

2005-02-14T18:15:00.000+08:00

i got this song from the phantom of the opera [btw, it's a nice movie...you should watch it]...some people say this is the best break-up song...i think so too...but, what if you've never really been together and you still feel that that person left you? so sad...that's reality...haha...enough of the illusions...sabi nga ni aphro, masyado na daw distant yung reality ko...sobrang layo na talaga sa mundong ito...i guess it's about time i face this reality i've been trying to escape...ANYWAY, back to the song...it's depressing yet beautiful...

Think of Me
Andrew Lloyd Webber

Think of me,

Think of me fondly,

When we've said goodbye.

Remember me once in a while

Please promise me you'll try.

When you find that, once again,

You long to take your heart

Back and be free -

If you ever find a moment,

Spare a thought for me...

We never said our love was evergreen,

Or as unchanging as the sea

But if you can still remember,

Stop and think of me...

Think of all the things

We've shared and seen -

Don't think about the things

Which might have been...

Think of me,

Think of me waking, silent and resigned.

Imagine me, trying too hard

To put you from my mind.

Recall those days,

Look back on all those times,

Think of the things we'll never do -

There will never be a day,

When I won´t think of you...

~city lights~

2005-02-06T01:14:00.000+08:00

see the world through the eyes of a child and you can pretend that it is beautiful

~broken~

2005-01-24T22:44:00.000+08:00

i am shattered. and it is your laughter that killed me. i knew it. i shouldn't have revealed myself. i shouldn't have removed my mask. now what? i am dying of shame. you murdered me once again. i hate the sound of your laughter. it's driving me mad. aside from the fact that i AM already mad. it is intolerable. what a huge mistake. [and the background song is rivermaya's himala. how depressing. how beautiful.] anyway. i am sad. and i love the feeling. however, it is becoming unbearable. i am sinking in the ground. i am being forced inside my grave. someone pull me out. it's suffocating...WAIT~! it's actually better here. in the dark. in my grave. alone. no one can see me. no one can laugh at me. i am free. i am myself. so it all comes to this... death? ah! how many times have i met you sweet death? and yet i am frightened by your presence...but now i realized, you actually bring the greatest gift. freedom.

just when i thought i was ready to face the world...it mocked me. it laughed at me. it turned it's back and left me alone. fuck humanity! i deserve better than this. i'd rather bury myself rather than be considered as one of your species. how embarassing it is to be human.

~wag mo na sana~

2005-01-22T18:09:00.000+08:00

naiinis na ako sa iyo

bakit mo ba ako ginaganito

ikaw ba ay naguguluhan sa 'king tunay na nararamdaman sa iyo

ano pa bang dapat na gawin pa

sa 'king pananamit at pananalita

upang iyong mapagbigyang pansin aking paghanga at pagtinginsa iyo

wag mo na sana akong pahirapan pa

kung ayaw mo sa 'kin ay sabihin mo na

wag mo na sana akong ipaasa sa wala

oo na mahal na kung mahal kita

ano pa bang dapat na gawin ko

upang malaman mo ang nadarama ko

upang iyong mapagbigyang pansin

aking paghanga at pagtingin sa iyo

oo na mahal na kung mahal kita

i finally found the lyrics of this song. it was stuck in my head for one week and i don't even know the lyrics except for the chorus. haha. anyway, i like the song. :)

~stars~

2005-01-18T22:21:00.000+08:00

...look at the stars then you're gone...i got this line from fight club. [haha! fight club again!] anyway, it might sound so simple...but come to think of it...when you look at the stars, don't you just feel like you're drawn to them. i don't know. i love looking at the stars. even if most of the time it makes me feel sad. even if most of the time it makes me feel alone. i guess the stars feel the same way. i mean. look at how vast the universe is. it is INFINITE as they say. and no matter how many stars are out there...they are still far away from each other. i sometimes wonder how they felt. just hanging there in the sky, twinkling with their bright colors, far away from each other...then after billions of years, they explode ALONE. how lonely their existence must have been and yet they glow each night as if they are really enjoying it. maybe this is why i find this sort of attraction towards them. maybe this is why i'm drawn to them. because we are both lonely and alone. and because we both know that we will never get out of this mess. the stars will always be beautiful for me, and it is their sadness that makes their beauty even more radiant. look at the stars then you're gone.

~maybe self-improvement isn't the answer maybe self-destruction is~

2005-01-09T01:44:00.000+08:00

i just wanted to thank therese for introducing me to fight club. haha. now i know why you like it. it's inspiring. seriously. i have found another hero in tyler's character. :) i have found a new obssession. thanks again therese.

i realized that there's no point in complaining and whining and blaming other people for all the shit that happens in my life. i have to do something about it. maybe nobody really cares for me. maybe nobody really loves me. and so what? this is my life and i am taking hold of it in my own hands before i lose grip of it forever. it doesn't matter now that there's no one to blame. in the end, i realize that there's just me, myself and i. i have to learn to live alone. the first way to freedom is that you have to lose everything...there. now i am one step closer to freedom. i am one step closer to hitting bottom. i have this twisted system of beliefs but it serves me well. even if most of the time they contradict and leave me confused, they still serve me well. i also realized that i have wasted my life working hard to get things that i don't really want. i never really knew what i wanted in life. i thought i wanted wealth. i thought i wanted fame. i thought i wanted it all, but it's far too ambitious of me. i cannot have any of it, they're all lies. and besides they don't really mean anything for me now. what i wanted...is to have the world at my feet. now isn't that FAR MORE ambitious? bwahaha! i've been drowning in my well of tears for a long time...but now reality finally found me and slapped me hard that it made me realize it's about time to climb my way to the top...i am about to be part of the world again. but this time i won't let it hurt me. i am above and beyond. i don't feel...haha. or least i will pretend that i don't feel. that's better than letting the world know how vulnerable i am.

as for god. i haven't found him yet, i guess. and i'm not giving up until i get his attention. there is a possibility that god hates me, but that isn't the worst thing that could happen...getting god's attention for being bad is better than getting no attention at all. and unless we get god's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption.

...i know all this because tyler knows all this... bwahaha! [look at the stars and then you're gone]

~puppet~

2004-12-24T23:55:00.000+08:00

this is just a theory:

we are just puppets that god manipulates in order to create a puppet show (the universe) that he can use to entertain himself. all our actions and thoughts are controlled by god...we are NOT free. even as i am speaking/typing right now, he is still in control of my thoughts. perhaps my role in this puppet show is a rebel? who knows...only god knows. even if we become aware of this fact, we are still god's captives...we cannot escape. if he loses interest in one puppet he cuts the strings and throws that puppet away... and cutting the strings means death to us...but, it is the only way to break free from god's control. and so we must not fear death...for it can bring us freedom.

perhaps, this is why we see god as all-knowing...because he is forever in control of what happens around us.

...i just want to say it again: THIS IS JUST A THEORY. thanks...

~beauty~

2004-12-12T14:13:00.001+08:00

we cry when something is sad. then we shed a tear when something's beautiful as well. perhaps we are sad when something is beautiful because we know that it won't last forever...no matter how hard we try to deny it, nothing is really absolute...everything is fleeting. we might have the ability to see beauty everywhere but we know that none of it will last. it's tragic, isn't it? no matter how perfect, wonderful, magnificent, beautiful something is...we are aware that it will soon fade...why am i writing about something like this? because i just realized my own mortality...i hated this idea, but i will soon die and so will every single creature in this planet. flowers bloom and flowers die. civilizations rise and civilizations fall. battles are won and battles are lost. we may be here now...but we can never be sure if we will still be here tomorrow. what then is the point of our very existence when we are already aware that it won't last forever?

[some people believe that you cannot fully grasp the meaning of life until you've felt death's cold hand...or you can't truly appreciate peace until you've suffered the cruelty of war...or you can't truly appreciate and treasure beauty until you've seen its opposite...well, i believed some of those things except for appreciating beauty. i don't think that beauty really has an opposite..because, according to aphro: "we see beauty where we desire to see it, and we see ugliness where we are afraid to see beauty"]

~mirrors~

2004-12-12T14:10:00.000+08:00

there's something mysterious and magical about mirrors, when you look at it all you see is your reflection but you can feel that there is another world behind that reflection...and whoever is in that world might be watching you.

~pasko na naman~

2004-12-07T21:37:00.000+08:00

ayan...haaay. pansin ko lang, halos lahat ng tao may kanya-kanyang wishlist na para sa pasko. [as if matutupad. hehe!] well, gagawa na din ako...para makita niyong lahat kung gaano ako ka-materalistic...bwahaha! eto na: UNA sa lahat, gusto ko yung celphone ni sheene! oo, yung E398! tsk tsk. mag-ingat ka sheene baka mawala yang telepono mo! bwahahaha! PANGALAWA, tulad na nakararami, gusto ko din ng iPOD or yung mp3 player ng samsung [parang ung gusto ni chuva. hehe!] masaya un! hindi ko na kelangan bitbitin ung malaki kong discman na sira ung earphones. [hulaan niyo kung sino nakasira! (--,) ] PANGATLO, gusto ko na mabili ung cd ng rivermaya, ung kasama slapshock. pati ung cd ng greyhoundz na may your puppet and clown. pati ung soundtrack ng queen of the damned! maawa kayo! PANG-APAT gusto ko ng vhs player...bwahahaha! seryoso ito. kasi naman gusto kong panoorin ung mga mtv na ginawa namin last year! hehe. kinalas ko kasi ung vhs player namin tapos hindi ko na maibalik. PANGLIMA gusto ko ung "UNSCRIPTED" na libro ng wwe! hehe. ang mahal e, dalawang libo! [mahaba-haba pa itong listahan ko... :)) ] PANG-ANIM gusto ko na makumpleto ung vampire chronicles ni anne rice! nakakainis! wala akong mahiraman eh! PAMPITO gusto ko ng stuff toy na teddy...teddy as in yung kay mr. bean! may nakita kami sa gift factory! nasa limang daan ata ung malaki...hehe. bili niyo ko! PANG-WALO gusto ko ung bag na nightmare before christmas...dun ko nakita sa isang tindahan nung family day eh. ampota yan! pitong daan! tapos walang imitation sa divisoria o kaya sa greenhills!? bwahaha! kaya kung may ginintuan kayong kalooban, regaluhan niyo ko! PANG-SIYAM gusto kong pumunta ng EK kasama mga kabarkada ko...ang problema yung pambayad sa ticket! bwahaha! kaya libre niyo kami para masaya tayong lahat! PANGSAMPU kailangan ko ng sampung libo! bwahahaha! pambayad ng spongecola! bwahaha! desperado kami ni chuva na i-hire sila! waaah! maawa kayo! gusto ko makita si armo in person! :)) ...ayan, as of now yan pa LANG ung mga naiisip kong ilagay sa wishlist ko...di bale, madagdagan pa yan. ngayon nakita niyo na kung gaano ako ka-materialistic at ka-selfish! well...hindi naman sobrang selfish...kahit papano sinama ko naman mga kabarkada ko...may iba ring makikinabang sa mga yan kung sakali mang matupad. kung isa kayo sa mga taong lubos na pinagpala at tipong nalulunod sa kayamanan...hindi naman sigurong masamang ipamahagi ang inyong swerte sa mga taong katulad ko. hehe. tulungan niyo kong makuha lahat ng nasa wishlist na yan...samahan niyo kong mang hold-up ng bangko! bwahahaha! ayos! :))

addiction

2004-12-03T11:25:00.000+08:00

Because when one has found an angel,

Its hard to walk amongst mankind

Because when one has felt so happy,

Its anguish to recede to depressed times

Because I've sniffed the sweetest scent,

Its hard to be near such acrid smells

Because I've tasted heaven,

Its hard to go back to Hell

After hearing the most beautiful sound,

It breaks my ears to hear common voices

After being oh so confident,

Its painful to be unsure of choices

After seeing such beauty,

I hate such ugliness

After growing old in merely hours,

Its so hard to regress

After being in one place so long,

Its hard to leave in haste

After drinking from the cup of love,

Its hard to stomach mortal tastes

Because when one has felt the kindest slumber,

Its torture just to stay awake

When one has earned such boundless riches,

Its hard to put it all at stake

When such things are to be damned forever,

Its easy to look the devil in the eye

Because when I've been on the highest cloud,

It's easy to fall and die

Because I've finally healed my wounds,

It hurts to see my scars

Because for three days, I tasted beauty

And now I'm envious of tar

The perfect drug, stained into my eyes,

Without it, my view is blurred and mixed

I just traded in my innocence for pleasure,

And in the flames, I'll get my fix.

~suicide~

2004-10-22T14:01:00.000+08:00

if my tears can bring laughter to your lips
if my suffering can ease your pain
if having you means losing everything else
then i am prepared for it
you are the sole reason i live ; the sole reason i breathe
and losing you can grant me pain and torture much worse than hell
i am not asking you to love me
all i ask is the permission to love you
it doesn't matter that you love someone else
just the thought that you know i exist can bring me happiness
i have undergone so many misery, so much pain
but this love still remains
and if ever we are separated
then i'm willing to risk life...even death in search for you

~clown~

2004-10-09T19:34:00.000+08:00

i'm sick of shifting from one personality to the next just to fit what people expect me to be. i can hardly recognize my own reflection because i've been wearing masks for so long. pretention has become an art that's second nature with me; it has become my weapon for survival. i may give you the impression that i'm secure and confident but i beg you, do not believe me.my mask may seem smooth yet beneath it dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. but then again, i hide all these, i panic at the thought of being exposed. i painstakingly erect these barriers to shield me from your glance, even if your glance could be my only salvation. i know it in my heart, if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. but i don't dare try to let you see the real me for i am afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. i am afraid that your glance will be followed by rejection and that you will laugh and your laugh will kill me. i'm afraid that deep down i am nothing, that i'm just no good, and you will see this and reject me. so i play my game, my desperate pretending game; with a facade of assurance with out, a trembling child with in.

please listen carefully and try to hear what i'm not saying, what i'd like to be able to say. try to disregard my surface talk for they mean nothing, i am only forced to say those things for survival. i dislike hiding. honestly. i dislike the superficial phoney game. i'd like to be really genuine and spontaneous and ME. but you have to help me. i need you to help me. please.

~galing sa isang conversation sa ym~

2004-09-18T23:51:00.000+08:00

oo...alam ko...iba pa ang definition ko ni god... damn! dapat matagal ko nang nilampasan ang stage na ito pero eto...stuck pa din ako! hindi pa ko makapag let go sa fact na ginago ako ng religion na ito! haay...mahaba pa ang panahon...malalampasan ko din ito...pero sa ngayon...hayaan na muna, ilalabas ko muna LAHAT ng galit ko sa diyos na pinaniwalaan ko buong buhay ko...

~folly~

2004-09-18T23:19:00.000+08:00

damn it! what the fuck is wrong with me?! i should have been over this stage a long time ago, and yet this vacuum is sucking me even deeper. i'm sinking into the depths of this abyss where no one would be able to hear my pathetic cries. i tell you, i am deathly afraid of the dark but somehow i should get used to it for i am sentenced to spend the rest of eternity with it. how i wish the earth would swallow me whole so that i would not experience pain when i die [god, i have an extremely low threshold for pain] but despite my fear of physical pain, i still wish to die. i simply cannot bear this misery any longer and i have no intention to share it with anyone at all. i do not want anyone to experience even half of it, for this weight can definitely drive a normal person mad. it has pushed me to the edge of my so-called sanity yet i still grip it tight, aware of the fact that letting it go will redeem my tormented soul. ironic. but this misery, this reason why i wish to die, is also the reason i continue to breathe.

[sigh] why does everyone hate me?! this is so pathetic for i am a self-proclaimed anti-social yet i still long for acceptance. ha! a big HA! what the hell is fucking wrong with me?! i am talking about nonsense again and again and again. god, why do you hate me??

~alone? let's fly together.~

2004-09-06T19:48:00.000+08:00

oblivion? it can drive you to the edge of your sanity...believe me, it can. solitude? no one gives a damn about your hollow existence. no one hears your pathetic cries of agony...not even the creator bothers to listen. up to what extent must you suffer before you realize that life is really worth living?i despise everything. the society and its rigid, idiotic norms. religion and its unending teachings on morals and goodness. people and their ignorance of suffering. god and his refusal to see pain and sorrow. my quest for god and the meaning of life has caused me sudden emptiness. i was raised in a very religious family...and now, what? i am agnostic...in total confusion. living a life i never chose to have. you must be asking, 'why not commit suicide and leave this life you hate so much?' the answer is simple, i have no courage, i am afraid. laugh if you wish but i cannot risk the only life i have [no matter how pathetic it is] to search for the answers to all my problems.perhaps i am a living contradiction, forsaken by society. often misunderstood, often judged. it doesn't matter, let them say what they want...they too, must be bored with life so they put their frustrations on others [such as me]. but i am still human; i still cry, i still dream, i still laugh, i still long for happiness. ah. depression is taking over my sanity again, a sudden rush of coldness, creating a hollow pit...oblivion.how about you? do you understand what i am saying? do you feel what i am experiencing? i feel so light, i can feel my feet elevate from the ground...come, let's fly together.

~infinity~

2004-08-31T19:33:00.000+08:00

I think the concept of infinity is one that is difficult, if not impossible to grasp by the human mind because we think in terms of finite space and time. We wonder how big or how small a thing is. We wonder how close or how far something is. Does it ever occur to us that everything is here now? No, we think in terms of time and space and distance and size and speed. Infinity is now (location in space) and Here (location in time). If you could do time travel, when you arrived in the future or the past, you would still be 'here now' in relation to you, the observer. No matter where you go, you are always here now, therefore Infinity is always with you.

I believe the universe is as large as we decide it is or want it to be. What is the point of anything existing if there are no observers to observe it? I think that if absolutely all attention is taken off something, it will cease to exist, fading like a dream does in the morning upon awakening.

~depression~

2004-08-26T16:30:00.000+08:00

do you believe in god? i do...but i hate him. i loathe him. i despise him. i know that he is the 'almighty' as they say, the one who created us all.. but what's the point? who knows, maybe we are all just part of his experiment. an experiment which he created so that he will know where he, himself, originated?! the bible told us that when god finished creating the world, he said that it was good...maybe up to now he still thinks it is still good. why? because he only watches us from a distance...he only sees what he wants to see. he shuts his eyes and refuses to listen to poverty, injustice, greed, loneliness and oppression...but he is aware that these things exist. he never experienced these things...well, maybe he did, at some point in time when he went down here as the son of man. but it's still not enough, because as my beloved memnoch said, he is in human form but he is still aware that he is god, therefore he doesn't really feel REAL pain that normal people do. it is true that the son of man died in a horrible way, but what's the point? to prove that he knows our suffering? did he think that it was enough? during those times many die on the cross every single day, what made him so special? ...back to his creation of the world, why does suffering outweigh the beauty? i am forever grateful for all his blessings but...i cannot simply disregard the pain, the suffering... if he is all-loving, then why does he forbid us to leave this earth? he should be sensitive enough to even apologize for making us stay here.

~crazy~

2004-08-15T20:49:00.002+08:00

Do you know what it means to be crazy? I'm goin to tell you a story. A powerful wizard, who wanted to destroy an entire kingdom, placed a magic potion in the well from which all inhabitants drank. Whoever drank the water would go mad. The following morning, the whole population drank from the well and they all went mad, apart from the king and his family, who had a well set aside for them alone, which the magician had not managed to poison. The king was worried and tried to control the population by issuing a series of edicts governing security and public health. The policemen and the inspectors, however, had also drunk the poisoned water, and they thought the king's decisions were absurd and resolved to take no notice of them. When the inhabitants of the kingdom heard these decrees, they became convinced that the king had gone mad and was now giving nonsensical orders. They marched on the castle and called for his abdication. In despair the king prepared to step down from the throne, but the queen stopped him, saying: 'Let us go and drink from the communal well. Then we will be the same as them.' And that was what they did: The king ang the queen drank the water of madness and immediately began talking nonsense. Their subjects repented at once; now that the king was displaying such wisdom, why not allow him to continue ruling the country? The country continued to live in peace, although its inhabitants behaved very differently from those of its neighbors. And the king was able to govern until the end of his days.~I want to continue being crazy, living my life the way I dream it, and not the way other people want it to be. Do you know what exists out there? People who have drunk from the same well. They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ~Veronika Decides to Die

~dreams~

2004-08-15T20:03:00.000+08:00

Many of us do not remember our dreams. When we wake up in the morning to begin our day, we have no recollection of the images our mind possesses in its sleep. Yet science would tell us we dream every night. Where have our dreams gone? From birth we were raised to hear that our dreams have no importance. Do you remember your mother holding you as a child and saying: "Don't worry, dear, it's ONLY a dream."? In this society that values measurable, scientific data, the importance of dreams has diminished to only random brain activity. We no longer deem our dreams valuable. As modern people, we have explored the vastness of our small planet. We have been to both poles, traveled across unchartered seas in search of exotic lands, and left footprints upon the moon. We have forgotten the worlds that lie under, beyond and within our own. We have forgotten that there are other worlds.

~lestat~

2004-08-15T19:13:00.000+08:00

"Evil is a point of view. We are immortal. And what we have before us are the rich feasts that conscience cannot appreciate and mortal men cannot know without regret. God kills, and so shall we; indiscriminately he takes the richest and the poorest, and so shall we; for no creatures under God are as we are, none so like him as ourselves, dark angels not confined to the stinking limits of hell but wandering his earth and all its kingdoms." -Lestat