music is the heartbeat of my soul

Compositions

1.09.2005

i just wanted to thank therese for introducing me to fight club. haha. now i know why you like it. it's inspiring. seriously. i have found another hero in tyler's character. :) i have found a new obssession. thanks again therese.

i realized that there's no point in complaining and whining and blaming other people for all the shit that happens in my life. i have to do something about it. maybe nobody really cares for me. maybe nobody really loves me. and so what? this is my life and i am taking hold of it in my own hands before i lose grip of it forever. it doesn't matter now that there's no one to blame. in the end, i realize that there's just me, myself and i. i have to learn to live alone. the first way to freedom is that you have to lose everything...there. now i am one step closer to freedom. i am one step closer to hitting bottom. i have this twisted system of beliefs but it serves me well. even if most of the time they contradict and leave me confused, they still serve me well. i also realized that i have wasted my life working hard to get things that i don't really want. i never really knew what i wanted in life. i thought i wanted wealth. i thought i wanted fame. i thought i wanted it all, but it's far too ambitious of me. i cannot have any of it, they're all lies. and besides they don't really mean anything for me now. what i wanted...is to have the world at my feet. now isn't that FAR MORE ambitious? bwahaha! i've been drowning in my well of tears for a long time...but now reality finally found me and slapped me hard that it made me realize it's about time to climb my way to the top...i am about to be part of the world again. but this time i won't let it hurt me. i am above and beyond. i don't feel...haha. or least i will pretend that i don't feel. that's better than letting the world know how vulnerable i am.

as for god. i haven't found him yet, i guess. and i'm not giving up until i get his attention. there is a possibility that god hates me, but that isn't the worst thing that could happen...getting god's attention for being bad is better than getting no attention at all. and unless we get god's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption.

...i know all this because tyler knows all this... bwahaha! [look at the stars and then you're gone]

Composed @ 1:44 AM

Comments:

Books are very powerful. I may now inlude that in my "top ten most dangerous books". Haha. Kidding. I'll read it first.

That's true. FOR ME. It's very important to learn to see life with your own eyes and just experience freedom the way you want to experience it. As my philo master told me once, "don't search for freedom. all you have to do is fucking wake up and BE free."

So BE free.

I hope the book really helped you. I'd be happy to see you floating above your anxieties.

>>> it's aphro :)
>>> don't water the flowers, retard. smell them. :)

# posted by

Anonymous : 2:19 AM

hey retard(uy,nakikiretard na ako (: )..i got to read your message as soon as possible..it's flattering that i had made a big effect on your perceptions..i hope(hope?) that the story sinks in your individuality for a great span of time..it helped me a lot too.it made me defy self-improvement or self-righteousness..well, not completely.i still value my life..it's just that i now try to get a grip and not take things too seriously..after i read and watched fight club, i became tolerant of pain,physical pain, outer pain.it made me test my capabilities or body limitations..i'm not sure of that now..it's one of the sources of my outlook on our society.i've been raised up to indirectly believe that society has always been correct, that the norms should be followed. i become different each fucking day and wonder why i feel so fucked up..why can't i stay the same as i want?yet if i become static, life would be pointless for me wouldn't it?well my friend, a simple act of generosity led to a profound experience...i'm glad that i made a change for someone like you..just don't reveal fight club to any other human waste,like what i did, coz the first and second rule of fight club is, WE DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB.-therese

# posted by

Anonymous : 3:00 AM

just like you, i haven't found god yet. or maybe, i'm not really looking. im just pretty darn bored with living that looking for god is becoming one of the things that make me so darn bored. i don't know, maybe it's just me. maybe i haven't found myself yet. if you DO become free, can you take me with you? can you show me the reality that i haven't really seen? can you make my desperate eyes the truth to who i really am? i look at the mirror and all i see is a blurry image of a girl looking out into nothing. i see an ugly blurry image of a person desperately looking for answers in a world full of mysteries.

# posted by

Bea Litao : 9:51 PM

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AnNe

anne rice novels, sandman and the endless, fight club and tyler's philosophies, vampires, myths, witchcraft, churches, graveyards, baywalk, egypt and other ancient civilizations, photography, existentialism, abstract art, insomnia, aliens, lestat, vainglorious people, paranoia, conversations, sleepless nights, music, red horse, sleepovers, walkathon, gigs, stars, city lights, casper, dreams, emo tripping, misadventures, music, pinoy bands, singing, writing, rainy days, meeting strange people, foreign languages, depression, sunsets, life and death, atlantis, adolf hitler, full moon, insanity and schizophrenia, zombies, loners and posers like me, nostalgia, classic and silent movies, soul-searching, laugh trip, sound trip, food trip, humanity, my blog, god.

DREAMS

i am a materialistic person so my dreams involve material things:

sandman library

complete set of vampire chronicles

more books!

cds! cds! cds!

complete set of naruto series :p

ps2 games!
aside from material things..

i want to live in baguio

i want to earn money for myself

i want to help our country. haha.

i want to travel around the world
that's it for now! ciao!